Cry From Numbness

[Expanded and updated – scroll to last three paragraphs, if you have read previously.] I woke up this morning feeling ‘numb,’ which is to say, not really feeling anything at all, or perhaps feeling a bit dead inside. It was a hard feeling to describe. But, in the spirit of Hosea 7:13-14, I decided that this was a good day to practice crying out to God from my heart. So I dug down deep, and I examined my thoughts, and I came to the not-so-pretty conclusion that I was feeling sorry for myself. Now on the surface there were plenty of reasons to do just that. I am super-tired. I worked the morning shift for the last four weeks and Daylight Savings Time made the 5:00 a.m. alarm last week a 4:00 a.m. start. Fortunately, I started back on evening shifts this week, but I had trouble sleeping. Then Friday, I was back on mornings because my boss went on vacation for a week. I also decided to work overtime (probably not the best choice), so I had six hours of sleep and a 13-hour shift. Super tired! I am also super sore. I generally suffer from inflammation caused by repetitive motion. My body operates fairly well within the constraints of a moderate but consistent physical demand. However, the difference between the morning shift and the evening shift is literally night and day! The evening custodian cleans 90% of the school. So, after a month of morning shifts, my body was not prepared for the dramatic increase in activity. The contrast in physicality was heightened even further because I just started at a new school. Whenever you start at a new school, it means that the classrooms are filthy. The position has generally been vacant for a month, and the substitute custodians are only responsible to sweep the classrooms and take out the garbage. This resulted in extra hours of mopping. I find that mopping is the worst repetitive motion for my inflammation. Super sore! Finally, I was dreading my return to work on Monday because the forecast calls for an inch of snow. As I mentioned, I worked overtime on Friday, which means I have four hours to do what usually takes seven hours. I am only responsible to sweep and take garbage, so I planned to vacuum the classroom carpets Monday morning after I finished the morning workload. But, if it does indeed snow, that will likely not happen. So my teachers will walk into their classroom with dirty carpets to start the week. That really bothers me! Okay, I did say that I dug deep. Some of that was fairly boring for you, but not for God! God desires that we pour out our hearts to Him. That is exactly what He wants from us. So, that is what I gave Him, along with a plea for truth, because truth is what sets us free. “My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; the rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:5-8). Then I turned to my Bible reading plan and asked the Holy Spirit to guide into all the truth and to provide a particular truth for today and the numbness that I was feeling. My first chapter was Numbers 10 and did not spark any insight. My second chapter was Psalm 73. “When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand. With Your counsel You will guide me and afterwards receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (vv. 21-26). What struck me most about this passage was verse 23: “Nevertheless I am continually with You; You have taken hold of my right hand.” It reminded of an old picture taken of me and my daughter out on a camping trip. In the picture, you see us, from behind, walking down a path. I am holding my daughter’s hand, and she is pulling a toy wagon. I have always viewed that picture as a symbol of my walk with God. God is with me and I have taken hold of His hand as His beloved child. Here is the truth that, if received, will set me free. This is my ‘bread’ for the day, my nourishment and sustenance. But this is only the beginning of the battle. I have learned that knowing a truth (intellectual assent) is often not enough. I must also experience truth by practicing it (live as if it is my reality). So, every time I was tempted to become anxious, or downcast, I embraced the power of the verse by declaring it as true for me in my present circumstances. This happened a number of times, but as I chose to embrace this truth for myself, my experience of reality was transformed. I was empowered to experience my life and circumstances from an eternal perspective. I was able to lay aside the anxiety and discouragement by confirming that God would be with me in whatever circumstances the new day held. “In humility, receive the word implanted, the one able to deliver your souls (innermost beings)” (James1:21b). But I have also learned that, if I cannot receive that peace, then there is a fortress raised up against the knowledge of God within me. These are the times I cry out to my heavenly Father, “Father, I believe; help me in my unbelief. Expose the error of my way within me; make my paths straight.” I do this with the expectation that God, as the best Father in heaven and on earth for all eternity, will gently correct and discipline me for the glory of His name. Thus the process, of hearing truth, receiving truth, practicing truth, and experiencing freedom, continues on and on. There is always more to hear, to receive, to practice, and to experience. And in conclusion... “(10) Finally, let yourselves be continually empowered by the presence of the Lord and by the strength of His might: (11) Put on the weapons of God to enable yourselves to stand against all strategies of the devil (12) because our wrestling match is not against flesh and blood, but against the chief rulers, against the delegated authorities, against the world rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenlies. (13) For this reason, take up the weapons of God in order that you may be empowered to resist in the day of evil and to stand, after having worked out everything. (14) Therefore, stand, having prepared yourselves with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, (15) and having clothed your feet with the foundation of the proclamation of peace, (16) and having taken up, along with all these parts, the shield of faithfulness with which you will be empowered to quench all the flaming darts of the evil one; (17) and receive the helmet of deliverance and the sword of the Spirit (which is the word of God) (18) through all prayers and petitions, praying in every opportunity in spirit; and, in the same way, keeping watch with all perseverance and all petitions concerning all the saints, (19) and on my behalf, that utterance may be granted to me, whenever I speak, to make known with boldness the mystery of the proclamation, (20) for which I am an ambassador in a chain, that I may be bold in doing so whenever it is necessary for me to speak.” (Ephesians 6:10-20). My experience is illustrative of the truths of this passage. I came before God for strength in the face of anxiety (v.10). His response was to empower me through His word, the sword of the Spirit (v.17), in this particular case Psalm 73:21-26. I was able to resist and withstand the strategy of the evil one by putting on the weapons of God (v.13), which are the truths of His word, including the aforementioned Psalm, His declaration that I have been made righteous (Romans 10:9-10) and therefore no longer subject to condemnation (Romans 8:1-2), the reality that peace with God has granted me citizenship and sonship (Ephesians 2:17-19), and that His faithfulness will shield me from all the fiery darts of the enemy (v.16). However, before I was empowered to stand and resist, I had to ‘work out everything,’ which I have taken to mean that I need to embrace these truths as my own reality. This is the same verb that Paul uses in Philippians 2:12 when he commands them to “work out your own deliverance.”